Ranting by Dolomite
Sorry about last month folks. But fear not, the mighty Dolomite is back again and at full strength. The "vacation" offered much to this possibly future law school student. That's right kiddies, Dolomite may become one of the very scum of the earth: a lawyer. I apologize to those of you who had hopes of me to do something positive with my life, but I do not have the anatomy to get into porn, not yet anyway...
My holiday was filled with much. November was good to Dolomite. I managed to pay over $400 of fees and costs for law school admissions and testing on a checking account of only $236. Not only that, but I also drank and vegged as much as any lazy drunk. How did I manage this feat of financial wizardry? Through bad habits.
As some of you know by now, I have three roommates. We all drink heavily and attend the college of Mercyhurst. I am the only one with a steady job, but I also eat and drink the most. I also have no control over my wallet. I have a problem with buying electronics. I do it a lot. I am also constantly feeding and fixing the old Dolomobile. Needless to say, I have a lot of expenses. Most of this is taken care of by that steady cafeteria paycheck, the fact that my college pays me to go here, and luck. But where does luck come in?
Everyone in my apartment has an addiction problem. David, my own roommate, is a smoker. Cigarettes are the monkey that waits on his back. Tom and John, my two apartment-mates do a lot of drinking. They suck down a case of PBR every other day. We all drink, but these two drink like it is their job. Funny how they do not have a job other than that. My little addiction? Lotto cards.
Don't get me wrong, I do not play the Daily Numbers or Powerball or any of those lottos. I simply buy the instant lotto tickets. I get those scratch off pieces. Why? God only knows. I go out to buy milk, I come back with a half gallon and two "Win a $1,000 a Week for Life" tickets. Have I won any big prizes? Not exactly. Have a spent more than I have won? More than likely. Does this discourage my habit? Hey, its not like I'm increasing my chances for cancer with these things. I just have less money for whores and porn.
Anyway, I am off to get some finals supplies during the fun month of November (its fun in Erie because one day is spring and the next is winter). I pick up a case of beer at the local distributor, a bottle of Jack Daniels at the liquor store, and head off for the grocery store. Both of the alcohol venues were hardly populated. I was in and out like... well... we can all think of a sexual joke here. The grocery store, that was a different. And my spring day was turning to winter very quickly with a sudden snow flurry.
By the time I got to the grocery store, it was nearly a whiteout. Who knew Erie would be like this? Well, we all did. Maybe not my roommate. Poor Tom was whiter than the snow outside when I pulled into the lot and whipped into a spot. So what if you can only see ten feet in front of you, that only means that you will hardly recognize what you really hit. I practically needed a crowbar to get that Jersey boy out of my hatchback from Hell.
"Jesus Tommy, I thought Jersey was filled with fast-paced drivers that play more offense than defense," I said as we walked from the back of the parking lot to the store.
"Man, we might have bad drivers, but we still use things like signals and seatbelts. And we do slow down in parking lots."
"Hey, just because your drivers do it half-ass does not mean that I have to hold back. If I am going to go out driving, I am taking as many people with me as possible."
"So that's why you always invite us to go wherever your going and you always drive to the bar."
"No, I always drive to the bar because I am the only one with some self control and a lot of tolerance."
Tom and I pass the vegetable and fruit section quickly and head right for the chip section. I almost fell over laughing. I must admit that I am not a light weight by any means. I would never be caught in an aerobics class, despite the fact that I am the kind of person that should be in one. However, there were two women in this section that were fighting over the last bag of Salsa Doritos. And both of these women were not lightweights. This was a battle of super heavyweights. One was six foot something and probably over 300. The other was much more squat, but she had at least fifty pounds on the other. Both had a hold on the bag and were struggling to pull it from the other. Tom and myself stood there transfixed by the sight. We could not look away, it was like a car wreck. Eventually, the bag could not take it and it burst, like a pimple on a freshman. Then the really disgusting thing happened. Both women
stared at each other for what seemed like a good minute. Then both hopped to the ground to gobble the spilled Doritos. It was like two sharks feeding, but much more aggressive. Tom and I ran before one of us got mistaken for a
Frito-Lay product.
After picking up half a dozen frozen pizzas, Tom and I were ready to check out. Too bad the three lines that were open went back past the pharmacy. So fifteen minutes of actual shopping was followed by thirty minutes of waiting in line. While in line, Tom had a thought.
"What about the beer?"
"What do you mean?"
"Its in your car. We got it cold. If it warms up too much, it could skunk."
"Tom, its snowing like crazy out there. My only fear is if it manages to freeze into beer-sicles."
After paying for the groceries, we started to head out. Then the addiction came in. I saw the three lotto machines they had by the door. Tom saw my look too.
"Dude, you never really win. Why bother?"
"I never get a yes when I ask a girl out, but I haven't given up on that yet either."
"You were going to fill your tank, remember?"
"I got enough to get us home."
"Yeah, but can you make it somewhere later to get more gas?"
"I can always fill a container with a gallon to get me started."
"Fine, buy your pieces in cardboard so that we can get out of here and crack open some of the PBR goodness."
I pump in ten dollars and pick five $2 tickets. "How do you drink that stuff. Even after three months of it, I still can't stomach that beer. Would it kill you to spend more than ten dollars on a case of beer?"
We got home, barely. Funny thing was, the sun came out and blazed right into my car. So the cold beer sat in the sun for nearly an hour. I did have to coast into a lot, but we made it. After getting home, Tom got the beer in the fridge, grumbling that my addiction could have made the difference between good beer and skunk beer. "How can you tell if PBR really goes bad?" was the only response I had at the time. I had dropped four straight cards and was staring at the last. The first four were those "$1,000 a Week" cards. Then the machine was out of them. So I got a Monopoly card. Hey, I liked the game as a kid. I like it even more now. Before, you just won play money. This time around, I won real money. $150 dollars of real money! Too bad it goes to law school. That could buy a lot of foreign porn.
Dolomite
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Subject: Dolomite
Name: Unknown at present
E-mail: BKDolo10@aol.com
Age: CXXVI in dog years
Turn-Ons: Porn, Humor and good food
Turn-Offs: Bad Taste, Religious fanatics that go door-to-door, Idiots, Jerks, Prejudice (except against Catholics and the French)
Plans for Future: Become President, breed either flying cat or walking bat (bat + cat somehow), play golf drunk, masturbation |
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